


No Way You Could Mistake Him For Your Man

by jaxxOnasty



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, Kinda, M/M, My First AO3 Post, Rivalry, buttwipe!steve and bucky, dad joke!tony stark, not a lot of sam surprisingly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-19
Updated: 2015-08-19
Packaged: 2018-04-15 13:47:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4609017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaxxOnasty/pseuds/jaxxOnasty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Steve thinks he's dating Sam and Bucky thinks he's dating Sam and the author twerks to 90s RnB.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Way You Could Mistake Him For Your Man

**Author's Note:**

> Got this title from the song, ‘The Boy Is Mine’ because why not. Full prompt in the end notes.

“Hey Shellhead, I need to talk to you about Sam for a moment,” Steve said, coming into the workshop uninvited for the umpteenth time, carrying a sketchbook and eating a doughnut like it was acceptable to come uninvited for the umpteenth time, carrying a sketchbook and eating a doughnut without offering Tony a doughnut. Or at least a bite. Or at least to sniff it. When was the last time he ate…?

“Sam… Sam…” Tony said, tapping his beard as he pretended to recall an Avenger that occasionally lived in his home. “Yea high, supremely nice ass, claims every box of cereal with his face on it as his own, annoying?”

“Tony,” Steve chided, not that that would stop the man.

“I didn’t even know I could miss Wheaties, Steve.”

“Tony…”

“How do you even get your face on a box of Froot Loops? How does that work? Who would you even need to talk to to sign those papers…”

“I’m in love.”

That stopped him. At least twice, given the double-take the blond had just received. The billionaire’s face was more than a little surprised, humbled certainly, his breakfast arguments quelled, an eyebrow was arched and he looked a touched scandalized. Steve had never seen an expression quite like it and he was almost tempted to open the sketchbook in his hands to take it down, but this specific moleskin was dedicated to Sam in his uniform only, so…

“What do you mean, you love him?” asked Tony, the genius brain finally catching up to the gaping mouth.

“I meant what I said. I am in love with Sam Wilson. We’ve been… hooking up,” he said, then paused so Tony could cringe in the way he always cringed whenever Steve said something even remotely hip. Which made Steve cringe because Tony was the actual old guy who still thought people said ‘hip’. “And I think I want to take this relationship further.”

“Further than…”

“Further than dating and handjobs.”

“I don’t want to know these things,” Tony admitted weakly, but Steve just shrugged and sat on a stool that he knew Tony had out specifically for Steve visits, though he’d never admit to it.

“I have to talk to someone about this, Tony. I can’t just- it’s too much when I’m by myself. I get overwhelmed and I start thinking about the future and how I feel when I’m with him and how it’ll only grow and what our kids will look like…”

Tony glanced up from the motherboards he was trying to not melt together when Steve curiously trailed off, only to see the giant oaf staring off into space, dopey smile on his face, doughnut just barely bitten into and hanging precariously from limp fingers - was it just glazed - or it did look a bit yellow inside, was it lemon flavored? He should really just reach out to save it, it would be a waste to let it fall onto the floor… Shit, when _was_ the last time Tony ate?

“Alright, Winghead,” he said, shifting gears and shaking his head free of pastry thoughts. “Why are you coming to me with any of this and not the T-100 you spent a year hunting down?”

Steve glared at the reference. “I’ve never been able to talk to Bucky about dames. Or… or fellas, now, I guess. He always had it in his head that everyone should automatically be in love with me, even when I was scrawny. I needed real feedback.”

“That sounds like bullshit, but okay... Wait - aren’t you still mad at him and Natasha for trying to set you up with Agent Carter?”

“She’s Peggy’s great niece!” he burst out, swinging his arms and finally dropping that doughnut much to Tony’s dismay. “I’m practically her grandfather!”

-

“You’re distracted.”

The Soldier glared at Romanov, knowing that the effect of his cold, pale eyes combined with his mask and face-paint that usually sent others running in the opposite direction did nothing for her. It still made him feel good to do it, though. “We’re headed back to a debrief. I’m allowed.”

“Let me correct myself then; you’ve been distracted since the briefing and your distraction during the mission cost us seconds of efficiency. We almost missed the extraction.”

“We didn’t.”

“We almost did.”

Romanov wasn’t even glaring back, just staring at him with cool green eyes and expectant eyebrows.

“Am I almost incompetent then?”

“You are distracted.” And he understood what she didn’t say. She did not like the potential risk and he would not like her continuing to not like the potential risk. So he nodded and decided to bring his thoughts back to their upcoming debrief.

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Once, Sam had said Romanov was most likely to say, “lemme smell your dick” in the middle of a conversation when all you’ve been doing was slangin’ dresses and making money and fixing the brakes on your car the day before. And despite the Soldier finding that an oddly specific hypothetical, in this moment, he couldn’t really disagree.

“What the hell?”

“Sex. When did you last have it?”

“That’s not what distracted me.”

“But there was sex?”

“I guess.”

“You guess?”

“My jaw would agree, but not my dick, but I’m not distracted by a blowjob.”

“Just the man you gave it to.”

“Yes.”

“You have feelings for him?”

“Yes.”

“Are you in a relationship?”

“Yes.”

“Are you compromised?”

“No.”

“He’s distracting you. On purpose?”

“No… Probably not.” Her arched brow urged him to continue, so he said, “He jokes a lot.”

“About compromising you?”

“About everything. He’s funny.” Thinking about his conversations with Sam loosened him up in a way that Romanov frowned at, but the Soldier couldn’t muster up the strength to care. “He lightens up my day, makes me feel like everything’s not just a mission.”

“That’s nice.”

“Yeah, I thought so, too,” he said before eyeing her carefully. Though her expression had not changed in the slightest, not even the small frown, her eyes had softened some, so that made him want to further elaborate. “Sometimes I think that it’s so easy to be around him because he understands me. Fundamentally. All his work at the VA, his time in the Air Force, he understands my identity as a soldier and as a man. And how they’re different and the same.” He let out a shuddering breath. “And also his ass is nice.”

“It is,” she agreed easily and he knew he had been forgiven for being distracted. “And his arms.”

“He has a pull up bar in his bedroom in DC. Imagine those arms flexing and his ass moving up and down-”

“I don’t want to hear this conversation anymore. I’m not risking turning off my hearing aids. I have a family that I want to go home to,” came Clint’s voice from the Quinjet’s cockpit.

-

“In upstate New York, no one can hear you scream,” Wanda hissed before winning another game of Jenga and hitting Bucky in the face with hex-charged pieces of wood he was responsible for toppling over.

“I don’t wanna play with you anymore,” he groaned, falling back on the cushions. “Where’s Sam?”

“Your boyfriend is still out on the training grounds trying to one-up Rhodes’ Stark-designed repulsors with his newly Stark-enhanced flight wings,” Natasha chuckled from where she sat curled up on the couch after commandeering Bruce’s cup of tea.

“What boyfriend?” Steve asked, striding in with Thor from wherever they were being tall and blonde and muscled together. “You didn’t tell me you had a boyfriend.”

“Apparently you got one without tell me. Bruce has been hinting at it all night.”

“Tony told me,” Bruce said when Steve looked at him. He noticed Natasha watching him carefully and frowned with her at the implications this discussion was already taking. “But he didn’t tell me-”

“Yeah, me and Sam are going out.”

“What,” Bucky said flatly. Winter Soldier flatly. Pouty, angry eyed Winter Soldier flatly. He sat up and Wanda finally stopped twisting Jenga pieces into his long hair.

Steve glanced at everyone else confused. “Me and Sam… I don’t really understand what’s happening here.”

“What’s happening is that you think you’re going out with my boyfriend for some reason,” Winter Bucky barked out as he climbed to his feet and wood fell out of his hair. “And what’s happening is you’re gonna back the fuck off.”

And that statement was said with enough conviction and challenge that Steve’s spine was automatically straightened by it. “I don’t have any intention of backing off from what’s _mine_.”

“Yours! He’s mine!”

“No, he’s mine. Bruce just said-”

“I don’t want to get involved,” Bruce said immediately, having already sussed out that this conversation was not going to be good on the gamma radiation from jump. “Someone should call Tony.”

As always, calling Tony “Dad Joke” Stark when he was out of town on business entailed his face taking up all 98 inches of the flatscreen and bellowing out that he was the Great and Powerful Oz. But once they got through all that and begged FRIDAY to turn off the smoke machines, Tony was ready to laugh at both Bucky and Steve equally. “So who is Brandy and who’s Monica?”

“I don’t understand that reference,” Bucky gritted out. “I never understand your references.”

“Well who saw him first?” Tony asked. Like an idiot.

And as Bruce groaned and placed his head in his hands, Bucky and Steve began to verbally tear into one another in a way that made even Tony’s giant face cringe, even as half of The Vision’s face appeared on screen to push at Tony’s for a better view.

-

“Could you wear tighter pants, Stevie? I think your left ball still has wiggle room.”

“You have a man-bun, Buck. You don’t have the right to talk about balls until _Marie Claire_ recommends them for the fall season.”

“Don’t be jealous that Sam got me the subscription. And also, you look like a whore.”

Before Steve could retort, an enraptured Thor, who had been between the two, his eyes moving back and forth between them like a Wimbledon fan, tossed in, “I find disputes between warriors on Midgard on the level with your operas of soap and your wives of basketball. Intriguing. And petty. I enjoy it.”

“We should introduce you to _Drag Race_ then,” Bruce said before abandoning everyone to… well, just to abandon everyone, no excuse. Thor followed along, asking for more entertainment recommendations.

“I need you guys to get it together,” Tony said, turning to the bickering pair. “This is my party and only I get to make the scenes. I’ve had contracts written up about this and everything.”

Natasha appeared on his arm, having newly acquired a glass of champagne and an even more judgmental gaze than usual. “I agree. It’s not a good look for any of us. Especially when we’re supposed to be fundraising for several charities tonight.”

Bucky sneered, but took a deep breath and followed as Natasha began to steer them all through the party. That didn’t stop him from muttering just loud enough for super-serum ears to catch, “I think tonight would work better if Steve would just stop being delusional about everything.”

“The only delusions I see are coming from your end, pal,” was muttered back.

“I’m not apologizing for telling the truth.”

“Then I’ll apologize for the denial you’re going through-”

“You can shove that up your ass right where your pants are creepin’ up.”

“Your bun is crooked.”

Then everyone froze when they walked into the next room and spotted Sam.

“Ooo, tell that tank story,” said Sam. From his seat. On a couch. Next to Rhodey. Curled up under Rhodey’s arm. Looking at him _adoringly_. **_Stroking his thigh!_** “Love that tank story.”

“When did that happen?” Bucky snapped, turning to share a look of disbelief with Steve. Natasha actually snorted into her champagne glass, then had to discreetly wipe her Givenchy gown dry.

“This isn’t really as surprising as it should be,” Tony mused, slight frown on his face. “Honey-bear is on a box of Cap’n Crunch…”

Steve shook his head. “But how?”

“He uses Pepper’s publicist-”

“Not the damn cereal, Stark! -” “ _...Language._ ” “- How did I not know about the others? First Bucky and now Rhodey…”

“Maybe because he doesn’t need to tell you who he dates?” Nat offered up, accepting Tony’s handkerchief. Then she turned to Bucky and said, “And maybe this is why you have conversations with the people you care for rather than making decisions for them like whether or not you’re in a relationship before they consent to it.” She gave both of the seniors an arched look before walking off and leaving them alone to their thoughts.

“I think she just dropped what I like to call a ‘truth bomb’,” Tony said like that old man he is (Steve could practically feel the air quotes even if he hadn’t done them) before following after her.

“BOOM! YOU LOOKING FOR THIS?!” both Rhodey and Sam belted out from across the room two minutes later.

-

Two weeks later, Sam walked into HQ’s living room and glared at the assembly of Avengers casually watching a _RuPaul’s Drag Race_ marathon. “So when the hell was anyone gonna tell me that I have a harem?”

**Author's Note:**

> Alternative title to this is “Rhodey Is Bae”. Cuz he actually is. Tony came up with that title. Cuz he’s hip to the lingo. He calls Pepper ‘wifey’ and errythang.
> 
> Prompt: Sam is casually dating Steve & Bucky separately. Or maybe he’s not even dating them, he’s just charming and friendly. And the two idiots go around proudly proclaiming they’re his bf. Avengers are confused cause are they both dating him? “What? You’re dating Sam? No I AM!” Hijinks ensue :P I dunno man. I just want them to adore Sam to the point that they’ve daydreamed up this whole relationship and he’s all oblivious of the drama he’s caused. Someone mentions this all to him & he’s all like since when tho…and then have him be Rhodey’s lover the whole time or something LOL


End file.
